Jamaica part 2

The love affair with Jamaica is over for me. Now the love can start. In the last week I have seen 2 brothers here struggle with there relationships as men and in a way I was really honored that they could fight in front of me. It was safe for them to show me there struggles and I could see the love that they had for each other and it was painful for both of them. For me it was when we were children and I would watch them fight. I had to laugh and feel great tenderness for all of us, as we are all grown men with wives, and they each have young ‘pickne’.

It seems to me that I have reinserted myself a little into Jamaican life. I can look at the good and bad and view things without the rosecolored glasses that has clouded my view of this country. I can move from behind the desperation and longing that is my experience as an immigrant to the United States. Possibilities of business and home ownership in this country are starting to appear. I will never regain what I lost but I can catch up, sync with this world and relax it seems.

In Jamaica - Part 1

So here I am in Jamaica. I am at my fathers house with my US wife and meeting and getting to know my brother and sister and stepmother. So I have to say there is so much tied up in being in Jamaica. Trying to reconnect with this island and remembering the loss of moving to another country (especially the US) has put me in a fugue. It is an intensely disorienting experience as I struggle with thoughts and feelings but yet am watching American movies on cable.

So to start off the woman that my father married seems a wonderful woman and has been very gracious. I totally enjoy getting to know my 2nd youngest sister and my young brother, they seem really well adjusted kids and have bright futures. I look at them and grieve, I grieve for the ways that my biological sister and I lost the sense of belonging and rightness that these young people seem to have. I wonder if I am projecting my hurts but then I realize that I get to figure this out with other people, not with them and just get to love them.

In Jamaica I see where I am afraid of people and embrace them at the same time. I have these American views that makes me see the average Jamaican with this weird double vision. My Jamaican heritage is comfortable and is really excited to be here but my American views are afraid. It is crazy making, this duality of vision and feelings.


I think I will take a break

More to come